…
… …
… … … how to start, after almost 3 months?
Hi!
How are you?
I’m fine, thanks. And a few people have asked me if I’m “ever coming back”… so to them I say, “thanks for asking!” and, “I guess so!”
For awhile, it didn’t seem like it. I never did my final post from Brazil.
I never posted anything when I came home.
And the reason for both of these things is that it just felt wrong—blogging, for one thing, but just *being*, for another.
I picked up a hitchhiker in Peru. Blastocystis hominis, to be exact. That was part of it—and the other part of it was burn-out. Burn-out is the BIGGEST BITCH I know.
It’s hard to imagine that 3 months hanging out in South America wouldn’t take the edge off—how many people said almost exactly that to me, I can’t even guess—but it didn’t. Instead, it’s like it set up great, big floodlamps to HIGHLIGHT the edge, and yet the edge was still there when I came home. Pointier, sharper, crueler than ever.
I hit Vancouver EXHAUSTED.
DEPRESSED.
DEMORALISED.
And man, was my stomach off. I couldn’t understand why (for about 3 weeks, until I finally had blood work done), and I couldn’t really face the idea of “healthy living”—not my own (hence why I stopped blogging, so as not to be a hypocrite), but nor could I handle others’. Honestly, I stopped reading YOUR BLOGS because I felt SO BAD that I couldn’t even watch other people do well.
It sounds petty to say it out loud. To see it in print. But there you have it. Honesty, in all its ugliness.
A lot has changed since 20 September, when I came back to Canada… a real rollercoaster that I’m still riding, in some ways. But I’m cycling high these days, and it seemed like the right time to come back.
… but with a new purpose, I think.
So I’m jumping in…
Feet first.
I missed you guys! (Even though, if you’re reading this, you’re likely someone I talk to or know in the FB world…). 
If you want to share an ugly truth about yourself with me below (it need not be current nor permanent), please feel free. No judgment here!
December 7th, 2011 at 21:30
If you felt bad watching other people do well, you definitely should have been reading my blog. You’d have been feeling great! Bwwhwhahahaha. I love you and am so glad that you’re back.
December 7th, 2011 at 21:30
@ Christine: I LOVE YOU TOO! Thanks for coming by so fast!
And I should add that it’s not that I couldn’t see people do well, it’s that I didn’t know why I felt SO BAD, and was feeling like I would NEVER feel well… so to see wellness right then made me sad. Shitty, I know. 
December 8th, 2011 at 00:09
steph, i can definitely relate. I actually became pretty bitter at one point when i was sick and still posting, reading, etc. I should have gone on break. I admire you for sharing this and I am happy that you are back. But you know i will read whenenver you feel like it.
December 8th, 2011 at 00:41
Welcome back! I hope you’re starting to feel back in some sort of routine – and are fully recovered from that bug.
December 8th, 2011 at 09:52
@ Kari: thanks.
Modern medicine helped with the bug, and the rest takes time, sleep, and low stress. Hope you’ve been well!
December 8th, 2011 at 09:53
@ Lindsay: you have a LEGION of followers who would have been so sad! But yeah, I know what you mean. And I’m SO EXCITED to read you in NZ!!
December 8th, 2011 at 10:34
I have been anxiously awaiting your return! Although we keep in touch through FB, I don’t get to enjoy your witty writing style and all your deep thoughts. I’ve missed your blog!
I have to admit that your title of Extreme Balance suits me very well too. I love the extremes and almost thrived on them… prior to having kids. Thank goodness, cause I know it wasn’t a healthy lifestyle. Once I was pregnant, I was able to find that healthy lifestyle – for the sake of the baby growing inside me. This continued as I breastfed baby #1, and I only weaned her when I was pregnant with #2 – whom I am still nursing. At (many) times, I am so attracted and desire to go back to my extreme ways, but I’ll force myself to stay (relatively) healthy for them. Haha, but I wouldn’t do it for myself?! How messed up am I? I’ve even considered to wean the baby so I can change my habits, but I don’t want to take the nutrition of breastfeeding away from her, so I press on. Sometimes, I am scared at how I will change once she weans. And another part of me gets so excited! Although that rollercoaster can be so nauseating, it can be so FUN too! Wheeee! Despite that ill feeling, something makes me jump back on!! Ack
How’s that for honesty? heehee
December 8th, 2011 at 12:01
Nice to hear from you!
I am so sorry you have been in a rather slumpish place BUT I think that maybe you writing this indicates a little lift in the pressure system. I hope so, at least. (0:
December 8th, 2011 at 12:45
@ Audrey: there’s not much depth going on here anymore.
I can actually feel myself getting dumber every day. WILD. These days I’m way more extreme than balance because it’s all I can handle now. You have a good reason to behave, and I have forced myself into a place where I can do nothing BUT behave… but if the end result is the same for us both, let’s call that progress. 
December 8th, 2011 at 12:46
@ Missy: hi there! Nice to see you again! And yes, things are turning around, thanks… I’m off to see what *you* have been up to now…
December 8th, 2011 at 15:59
I’m so happy you’re back and haven’t abandoned your blog altogether! Anyway, I can totally relate to your reasons. Burn-out *is* a bitch and destroys all your best intentions, and I needed almost 2 years (plus therapy) to get out of this state of chronic exhaustion, now finally being on my way up again. I also feel that my brain has developed some kind of selective attention or memory for exhaustion, so that I get into this state again more easily when I’m not careful and push too much.
This is why I “waste” time that could actually be “productive” on playing (piano and also Wii) now: Playing is the only way to prevent exhaustion because it occupies my mind with something pleasant and enjoyable. I prescribe myself and schedule playing times now, and I’ve decided not to be at my desk after 8 or 9 pm anymore. I do a couple of working hours before, and the evening is devoted to playing and reading (the reading might actually be research-related and thus interests and captures me, it just isn’t anything I *have* to read). I don’t like watching tv and don’t own a tv because it makes me nervous and gives me hyperactivity and restlessness and tics if I have to sit there and stare at the screen without having anything to do, although I enjoy the documentaries my mom records for me. The Wii also gives me opportunities to exercise (I just enjoy exercise without anybody playing with me) because the controller transfers your moves to the game. After 10 minutes of swordfighting or cycling or canoeing or tabletennis (I especially love the table tennis
), I’m usually in my underwear because I get so warm! And I’ve been living with constant muscle aches since I got the Wii. It also makes me happy because everything is so lovely designed and comes with smilies and so on.
The funny thing is that going for “unproductive” things (work-wise) actually makes me more productive because it enhances my creativity – f.e., after having with friends last week, I came home and took a bath, and in the bathtub I came up with a great research idea and three study designs. These ideas probably wouldn’t have popped up if I had just sat at my desk constantly.
An ugly truth about me: I often can’t stand the company of happy people because it makes me depressed. But I have to specialize this: This refers to people who are happy and haven’t gone through any severe shit in their lives so far. It especially applies to people who’re not only happy but also very smart and nice. This makes me suffer from the injustice of the world. You know, I had quite a lot of bad experiences so far – a sexually and emotionally abusive relationship when I was 17/18, and another emotionally abusive relationship just a few years ago, and then all these constant health issues and surgery … During my whole life, I feel I have been invalidated personally, starting with my dad always wanting a child different than me. (I like to be the victim.
But I still know part of the problem is how I reacted to that, at least.)
I have a co-worker research assistant in the personality psychology department (where I’m going to quit by the end of the year) who I like very much because he’s very nice and also very intelligent, so it’s great fun to talk to him, but he’s not only a couple of years younger than me but also everything went well in his life so far, and this somewhat intimidates me. I have thoughts on my mind like, “you’re at least as good as him, but he’s in his early 20s and already almost on your level, and he isn’t broken inside, so he’d always be preferred over you because he just had good luck so far, and you had bad luck”. And then I can’t bear talking to him, just because I can’t watch somebody doing so well so easily, and while things also come very easily to me – you know, I’m Obi Wan
– I just think that he’d always be preferred just because he doesn’t have all this background trouble I have, so what I get from all this suffering is actually punishment on top of it. I know this is bad and little, but this is how I feel. And I also have this stereotype of people who haven’t faced the harsh sides of life not being able of being *really* compassionate and feeling as deeply as people who have gone through a lot of shit *and* have overcome it.
Ahh, so this was kind of private … but since mostly our common fb friends will this, I think it’ll be okay.
And I wanted to let you know the dark sides of Kath. 
(Do you still like me? 
)
December 8th, 2011 at 16:02
PS to the novel above: I don’t want you to proof-read my thesis. I have a very good friend (she’s a PhD student in social psychology and from Australia, so an English native speaker) who does that for me. It’s not because I think you wouldn’t be able to, I just don’t want to stress you with 70 pages theory on psychometrics and dry psychology stuff! You enough to do in your own life now. But I’m incredibly and infinitely grateful for your offer!
As soon as you have a fix address, let me know so I can send you something!
December 8th, 2011 at 16:04
PPS. Did I mention the guy I’ve talked about above is also a vegetarian? I feel really bad now!